


Kingsman Ficlets

by draca (wyvernwolf)



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Dragons, Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-30 22:04:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8550946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyvernwolf/pseuds/draca
Summary: Ficlets from Tumblr based off various prompts and ideas.





	1. Eggsy the Eggnapper

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: “How do you ‘accidentally’ buy a dragon?”

_“How do you ‘accidentally’ buy a dragon?”_   Merlin’s voice was flat and his brows were pulled down.

Harry looked at the egg his protégé’s was cradling protectively in his arms.

“Technically it’s an egg, not a dragon,” he said helpfully.

Merlin switched his glare from Eggsy to Harry.

“You, be quiet. You, explain.” He pointed his finger at Eggsy.

Eggsy shrugged, being careful not to jostle the egg too much. “I didn’t know it was a dragon’s egg. I saw it and thought it looked pretty,” he added almost as an afterthought.

“It looked pretty?” Merlin shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Well, yeah. Look at it.” Eggsy held the egg out. “It’s blue with all these swirly silver bits.”

“You haven’t explained yet how you accidentally bought it considering you didn’t have any contact with anyone on this mission.”

“I never said I bought it. You’re the one who said that. It was in the vault along with the other stuff so I thought it might be important,” Eggsy said. Harry noted that he was admirably calm in the face of Merlin’s growing anger.

“Agent Mordred, are you saying you _stole_ a dragon egg?”

“It’s not stealing if we were gonna blow the place up anyway!” Eggsy protested. He peered at the egg like he could see inside. “If it’s an egg that means there’s a baby don’t it?” He looked up at Harry with a huge grin on his face. “I saved a baby dragon, Harry!”

The vein above Merlin’s eye was now throbbing visibly and he was growing progressively red in the face. Harry could see his knuckles turning white where he was gripping his clipboard tightly.

Harry slowly started to edge away. He tried to catch Eggsy’s attention without Merlin noticing but Eggsy was too preoccupied with stroking and cooing at the egg, seemingly oblivious to the danger he was in.

Harry idly wondered if he should ask Medical to go on standby. It was starting to look like they’d need to be ready either for Merlin from a heart attack or Eggsy when Merlin finally lost it and attacked him with his clipboard.


	2. Like a Fungus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Get to know him and he grows on you.
> 
> Follows on from Chapter 1

_“Get to know him and he grows on you,”_ Eggsy said as he scratched Puff’s snout. The dragon snuffled loudly and nuzzled into his fingers, golden eyes half shut in bliss.

Harry had to admit that Puff was a beautiful dragon. He had been a baby blue when he’d first tumbled out of his egg but had slowly darkened and his scales were an emerald blue now. According to Merlin, it might change again as he aged.

He was young; not even five months out of his egg and still had the round tubbiness all babies seemed to have with wings just this side of stumpy. He was all clumsy legs and extremely curious about everything which when combined with his size had resulted in him being confined to the same pens where Kingsman housed the trainee’s dogs. There he could tumble around to his heart’s content and make his still squeaky growls without disturbing anyone.

He was adorable and Harry loathed him.

Harry wrinkled his nose as a long pink tongue flicked out and licked Eggsy’s hand, leaving a shiny wet trail in its wake. Eggsy just laughed in delight and reached forward to wrap his arms around the dragon’s neck for a hug.

“ _Like a fungus,”_ Harry muttered as he glared at the dragon. He didn’t have a problem with it per se, just with how much time Eggsy was spending with it. Any time the boy wasn’t on a mission or at his Mum’s house, he was with Puff.

He admired his protégé’s dedication, especially since Eggsy considered Puff his responsibility because he’d liberated the egg, but spending his nights outside with the dragon curled around him was taking it a bit far.


	3. Child Friendly Insults

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: All dragons are insufferable busybodies.

_“All dragons are insufferable busybodies,”_ Merlin mumbled as he used one foot to push Puff gently out of the way.

“You never said how you know so much about dragons,” Harry said from where he was sitting, one leg elegantly crossed over the other.

“Didn’t I? How remiss of me.” Merlin huffed and picked Puff up from where he was trying to climb onto the table and put him down a little ways away. He gave the little dragon a reprimanding tap on the forehead for good measure before returning to his work.

“You spoil him,” Harry muttered as he watched Puff trot after Merlin and start nosing around the man’s feet. Instead of being annoyed like he would have been if it had been another human being hovering around him, Merlin just laughed and scratched Puff behind one bony eye ridge before nudging him away again. The dragon let out a little snort of displeasure, a trail of smoke coming out of one nostril and leaned against Merlin’s leg. “If that were me you’d have clipped me round the ear and sent me off."

Merlin looked over at Harry and rolled his eyes. “That’s because you’re an annoying git whereas Puff is an adorable baby.”

“Arsehole,” Harry mumbled.

“Prick,” Merlin shot back.

Harry narrowed his eyes. “Cockhead.”

Merlin gave Harry the evil eye even as he gave Puff another pat. The dragon was crooning as he rubbed his head against Merlin’s leg. “Peacocking British numpty.”

“Grumpy Scottish bastard.”

“And proud of it too,” Merlin laughed. “You manky, goat shagging wanker,” he added almost as an afterthought.

“Are you two swearing in front of my boy?” Eggsy was leaning against the open lab door, in his shirt sleeves, suit jacket discarded only God knew where. Harry and Merlin, ace spies that they were, had been so busy trying to one-up each other that they hadn’t heard him come in.

Harry harrumphed and straightened in his seat. “We were doing no such thing.”

“Just testing out our vocabulary, Eggsy,” Merlin replied easily.

“Uh huh,” Eggsy said disbelievingly. “Peacocking British numpty?” He repeated. “Really?”

“Unike Harry, I was trying to keep it child friendly out of consideration of the wee lad here.” Merlin pointed towards his foot which now had a sleeping dragon leaning on it.

Harry scoffed loudly. “I hardly think that manky, goat shagging wanker can be considered child friendly.”

Merlin was readying himself to reply when Eggsy very pointedly cut in with a loud coo. “Awww, how’s my baby boy.” He crouched down and gently tapped Puff on his nose. He got a soft chuff and a bump back in return which made him laugh fondly. “Come on, babe. I think it’s bedtime for you. Time to let Uncle Merlin get some work done.”

“Uncle Merlin?” Harry choked out on a laugh that was abruptly cut off when both Merlin and Eggsy turned matching gimlet eyes on him.

“Yes, Harry. You have a problem with that?” Eggsy asked with a raised eyebrow as he gathered the sleeping dragon into his arms. It took a bit of effort because Puff was about the size of a full grown German Shepherd by this point. Harry took a few minutes to admire the flex of Eggsy’s arms under his white shirt before he directed his attention back to the protective duo.

“No, no.” Harry coughed and looked away. Merlin and Eggsy were a force to be reckoned with if they considered anyone to be a threat to Puff. Everyone in Kingsman had learnt to watch their words when they spoke of the small dragon, Harry included. Arthur or not, he knew the real power of Kingsman lay behind its Quartermaster.

“Ah,” Harry made a show of consulting his watch. “I just remembered I have a meeting to attend. If you’ll both excuse me.” He nodded at the two other men and made as dignified an exit as he could under the circumstances.


	4. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Few things are more destructive than a grieving dragon.

Merlin was typing frantically and barking orders through his comms unit and did not appreciate the way Harry was hanging over his shoulder. The man didn’t seem to appreciate that he was making things harder by getting in the way of Merlin doing his job.

“Get out of the way, Arthur,” he snapped out when he tried to get to another computer and collided into Harry again.

“Sorry, sorry,” Harry said as he stepped away. “I’m just worried.”

“Aye, I know that but you’re not helping by hovering around like this. Don’t you have work to do?”

“It’s Eggsy,” Harry said like that explained everything and in this case, it did. It was an undisputable truth at Kingsman HQ that when he was not away on a mission, Agent Mordred and Arthur were practically joined at the hip. To find one, you just had to look for the other. And Merlin understood that but he had a job to do and he was going to do it.

“Maybe you should go and check on Puff,” he suggested as he quickly brought up another set of blueprints.

“He’s fine,” Harry said dismissively. “He was asleep the last time I checked.”

Merlin scoffed. “Trust me. He won’t be asleep now. He’ll know his Da’s in trouble. You need to go to him and keep him calm.”

That got a small smile out of Harry. “I suppose Eggsy would be his father.”

Something beeped furiously and the little icon on the screen that represented Eggsy started to blink rapidly.

“What’s going on? Merlin? Is Eggsy alright?”

Merlin actually growled at him when Harry got in his way again.

“Right, you get out now! Stay with Puff.” Merlin used one hand to push Harry towards the door and the other to tap his comms unit. “Bors, I’m sending you the coordinates for our missing agent. Find him and bring him home.”

Harry let himself be pushed, but lingered just at the door. “You’ll keep me updated?”

“Trust me, Harry,” Merlin spared a second to look at his friend. “You’ll know if something happens to Eggsy. _Few things are more destructive than a grieving dragon._ ”


	5. Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Your horse is the wrong colour. Death’s supposed to ride a pale horse.

_“Your horse is the wrong colour. Death’s supposed to ride a pale horse,”_ Eggsy said, his voice hoarse and breathing worryingly raspy.

“Hush, lad,” Merlin said as he stroked a gentle hand through the boy’s hair. “No one’s dying today. You’re safe. Rest now.”

“My mission?”

Merlin nodded. He should have known that would be Eggsy’s first question. “Completed, Agent Mordred. It’s time for you to stand down.”

Eggsy still didn’t relax. “’S Puff ok?”

“Aye, lad. He’s a mite worried about his Da, but he’s doing fine. Harry’s with him right this minute,” Merlin soothed.

Eggsy let out a small laugh that quickly turned into a coughing fit.

“Steady, Eggsy,” Merlin said as he settled the oxygen mask over Eggsy’s nose. “Slow, deep breaths now and try to relax.”

“Harry’s with him?” Eggsy mumbled once he’d caught his breath. “I hope you’re recording that, guv.”

Merlin knew he should be letting Eggsy rest, but he was too relieved to see him alive and well. A few more minutes wouldn’t hurt. They needed the laugh anyway. He smirked and tapped his clipboard before rotating it around for Eggsy to see. “Live feed from the pens. Puff’s having lunch and guess what’s on the menu today?”

Eggsy peered at the feed and had to stop himself from laughing again at what he saw. “Fish Friday innit?” He said with poorly concealed glee.

Merlin and Eggsy watched as a suit clad Harry looked in the pail at his feet with a frown and then at Puff who was hopping around in excitement, his short stumpy wings flapping ineffectually and little puffs of smoke coming out of his nostrils. The grimace on Harry’s face as he delicately reached into the pail and then pulled out a whole raw fish by the tail was a sight to behold. The look of horror when Puff inspected the fish before batting the fish out of his hand and onto his shoes and then proceeded to pounce and viciously tear it apart, splattering bits of fish all over Harry’s suit, was even better.

Their laughter was so loud and Eggsy’s subsequent coughing fit so bad that it brought the nurses and doctors running in.

Merlin was very unceremoniously kicked out.


	6. Magic Merlin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt: “I prefer ‘mage.’ ‘Wizard’ makes me sound so old.”

“I got a question for you, Merls,” Eggsy said as he dropped into the seat next to Merlin’s.

“Call me Merls again and I will make sure that all your next mission will be as Bors’ backup.” Merlin didn’t have to look to know that Eggsy would be looking horrified. It was no secret that Eggsy loathed working with Bors because for some reason the man constantly tried to mother the lad.

“Ok, ok. Sorry, guv,” Eggsy backpedalled quickly. “I won’t do it again. Fuck, talk about overkill, Merlin. You know I don’t like working with Bors. The man’s a good agent, but he thinks just cause he’s older that he has to take me under his wing or something. It's weird.”

Merlin had to work hard to keep the laughter out of his voice as he said, “As amusing as this conversation is, Eggsy, don’t you have anywhere else to be? Someone else to annoy? Harry maybe?”

Eggsy relaxed back in his chair, cocky grin on his face. “Nope,” Eggsy said, popping the p like the obnoxious brat he was.

Merlin tried to look put out when in actual fact, he quite enjoyed it when Eggsy showed up. The boy was a breath of fresh air in the sometimes stodgy environment of Kingsman and Merlin secretly looked forward to his unexpected and random visits.

There was a few minutes of silence where Merlin pretended to pay attention to something on his computer while Eggsy sat there pretty obviously stewing over something. Merlin didn’t try and prompt him though. He’d learnt through trial and error that Eggsy was more likely to say whatever was on his mind if you kept silent.

His patience was rewarded when Eggsy abruptly leant forward, brows furrowed and eyes intent. “So, are you like _The_ _Merlin_ , Merlin?”

Merlin reached for his mug, not deigning to look at the boy. “If you’re still trying to discover my real name, I would ask that you desist, Eggsy.”

“Nah,” Eggsy flipped a negligent hand at Merlin. “I found that out ages ago, _Barnabus_ ,” Eggsy said with no little amount of glee. He’d timed it perfectly. Merlin had just taken a sip of coffee and had promptly choked at Eggsy’s words.

Since he’d basically won that round, Eggsy magnanimously handed Merlin his handkerchief, courtesy of lessons on how to be a gentleman from Harry, and patiently waited for Merlin to catch his breath before he started up again.

“So, did you know Arthur?”

“What on earth are you on about, you menace? I met Harry when he was a recruit,” Merlin said, voice still a bit hoarse. “And how’d you find my birth certificate?”

Eggsy waved a languid hand in the air. “Oh, you know, contacts,” he said nonchalantly.

Merlin snorted. “Harry told you, didn’t he?” He shook his head. “Let me guess, you pouted a little and he caved immediately. That poor man is completely enamoured by you and you’re taking advantage.”

Eggsy shrugged and grinned shamelessly. “Growing up like I did, you learn to use any advantage you can.”

“Hmm,” Merlin flicked a quick look at Eggsy. “Just you keep in mind Harry may be in charge of Kingsman, but I _run_ Kingsman. Hurt him and there’s no place on earth that you can hide from me,” Merlin said quietly but with a thread of power running through his voice. Eggsy swore to Roxy when he told her later that Merlin’s eyes had gone black when he’d made the threat.

_“Swear down, Rox, one minute he was starin’ at me with normal brown Merlin eyes and the next they was all black and scary and burning right through me. If it had lasted a second longer I would’ve had to change me pants.”_

Eggsy’s eyes were almost the same size as his dragon Puff’s now and his mouth had dropped open.

“And shut your mouth. You’ll let flies in.”

Eggsy’s mouth snapped shut.

“You really are Merlin!” Eggsy said, eyes still the size of saucers. “I was just joking when I asked about Arthur, and I don’t mean _Harry_ Arthur. I mean _King Arthur_ Arthur. But,” and here he waved a hand at Merlin like he was trying to encompass the entirety of Merlin, “you just, with the eyes. And the voice. You’re fucking Merlin!”

“I’m A Merlin,” Merlin corrected him gently.

“A Merlin?” Eggsy asked confused.

Merlin nodded. “I’m not the same Merlin from the time of King Arthur.”

Eggsy looked even more confused. “And how’s that work?”

Merlin sighed, kids these days, no imagination. “Reincarnation, Eggsy,” he said patiently.

If anything, Eggsy’s eyes got rounder. “That’s real?”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Eggsy, you have a dragon. A dragon that looks to you as a parental unit and you can’t believe in reincarnation?” He asked pointedly, one eyebrow arched gracefully.

Eggsy shrugged unrepentantly. “Reincarnation,” he said the word slowly, as if trying it out. “That’s being reborn again and again as the same person, right?”

Merlin was tempted to roll his eyes again, but didn’t want to give himself repetitive strain injury. “Yes, Eggsy.”

Eggsy pulled a face. “It just sounds a bit too farfetched don’t it.”

Merlin shut his eyes this time and slapped his hand over his face.

“Eggsy,” he said, voice muffled behind his open palm, “the other week you and Harry nearly doomed the world by unleashing an ancient chaos god.” Merlin raised his face and pointed a finger at Eggsy. “An ancient chaos god, Eggsy. And yet now you’re actually telling me that you think reincarnation is too farfetched?”

Eggsy looked contemplative for a minute before he nodded agreeably. “True that. Go on then,” he said and poked Merlin with a trainer clad foot. “Show us a trick.”

Merlin stared at him in disbelief for a minute before he shook his head. “I do not perform tricks,” he said huffily and tried to turn back to his work, but Eggsy’s foot nudged his thigh again, getting his attention.

“Come on, Merlin, please?”

It only took a few seconds of Eggsy’s pleading look before he gave in. For all that he decried Harry’s susceptibility to them, Merlin was as big a sucker for Eggsy’s puppy dog eyes as Harry was.

A quick check confirmed that there was definitely no one in close proximity so Merlin extended his right hand, palm up. He closed his eyes, it’d been a while since he’d done this, focused and opened his eyes again at Eggsy’s gasp.

There on the open palm of his hand was a perfect flame.

Eggsy’s mouth was agape and he looked between the flickering flame to Merlin with naked awe on his face.

“Fuuuck,” he whispered.

Merlin managed to keep his face expressionless, but internally he was celebrating at being the object of Eggsy’s admiration for once. Take that, Harry, he thought silently.

“You really are a wizard aren’t you?”

_“I prefer ‘mage.’ ‘Wizard’ makes me sound so old.”_


	7. Do Not Disturb The Ancient Chaos God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "In hindsight, freeing an ancient chaos god from the shackles where he’d languished for millennia may have been a bit of a mistake.”
> 
> This is the ancient chaos god incident mentioned in Chapter 6.

_“In hindsight, freeing an ancient chaos god from the shackles where he’d languished for millennia may have been a bit of a mistake.”_

“No shit, Sherlock,” Eggsy hissed as he slowly edged behind Harry keeping a wary eye on the thing that was crawling out of the remains of what had been a very old and very priceless Egyptian burial jar if the sign that had been standing next to it was true.

Harry took a careful step forward.

Eggsy paused in his attempt to escape to hiss, “What the fuck? Harry, what are you doing? The exit is the other way!”

Harry ignored him and raised his umbrella.

“Nooo!” Eggsy darted forward and grabbed hold of Harry’s right arm and yanked hard. “What do you think you’re fucking doing?”

“Killing it?” Was Harry’s placid response.

“You’re going to bash it on the head with your fucking umbrella? Are you mental? Ancient Chaos God, Harry!”

Harry could hear the capitalisations in Eggsy’s voice.

Eggsy peered around Harry. “Is it getting bigger?” He asked in a not so calm voice.

Harry squinted. “I don’t think so.”

Eggsy threw his hands up at that rather useless response, but before he could continue ranting, Harry cut in.

“This is all your fault, you know,” Harry said mildly, like they were two gentlemen on the way to Sunday tea instead of trying to escape before an ancient chaos demon, _and Jesus Eggsy would never complain his life was boring ever again just let them get out of this alive,_ worked it’s way free and devoured them.

“How is this,” Eggsy flapped one hands at the wreckage they were trying to get away from even as he yanked Harry further away with the other, “my fault? Weren’t me that was stupid enough to break the obviously dangerous Egyptian jar that was housing the ancient chaos god. There was warning signs and everything!”

“I didn’t break it on purpose. It was an accident. Who knew they’d actually put something like that out on display?” Harry defended himself even as he silently berated himself for not looking where he was going.

“You ain’t even supposed to be here,” Eggy moaned. “Merlin’s going to kill me, you know that right? After he tortures me by lecturing me until my ears bleed. Because he’s an evil bastard. I can already hear it now. What do you think you’re bleeding doing, _Mordred?_ How many time do I have to repeat myself that Arthur does _not_ go out on missions. Arthur is supervises from HQ. Where it’s _safe_. _Harry_ is Arthur. Why is _Harry_ on your mission with you bollocksing everything up?”

Harry winced and cleared his throat, interrupting Eggsy’s truly atrocious impression of Merlin’s accent. “As I was saying before I was very rudely interrupted, all these extraordinary and frankly bizarre things only started when you stole that egg. Myself and Kingsman led a perfectly normal existence before. Then you are your sticky fingers took that thing and look what’s happened since. We’ve got dragons and ancient chaos god’s coming out of our ears.”

“Ok. Point number one, not dragonssss,” Eggsy stressed the sss so hard some of his spit landed on Harry’s shirt earning him a disgusted look. Not that it bothered Eggsy. After having been the receiver of way too many of Harrys disapproving or disgusted looks when he was behaving in an ungentlemanly manner, Eggsy was immune to them.

“DRAGON. One dragon, as in singular,” here Eggsy waved one finger in Harry’s unimpressed face. “Point number two, his name is Puff. PUFF. I’d appreciate it if you called him that and stopped referring to him as that thing. And point fucking number three, no way Kingsman was normal before this. Merlin’s shown me some of the older records. A fucking flying horse, Harry.” With each point Eggsy poked his finger into Harry’s sternum. By the time he got to the last sentence, his finger was jammed into Harry’s breastbone and drilling in.

Harry swatted at Eggsy’s hand, hiding his wince as he did so. Eggsy had a very pointy finger.

“I’d been drugged. That flying horse was a figment of my hallucinations as a result of said drugs. I don’t care what Merlin claims.”

“Merlin’s got camera footage,” Eggsy said triumphantly.

Harry glared at his extremely troublesome protégé. “Fake,” he said with an air of finality, but that had never worked with Eggsy who opened his mouth again to argue back when they were interrupted by the entire building shaking around them and a humongous crash.

They whirled around and could only stare in shock as Puff, who was now about the size of a Shetland Pony, dropped down through the ceiling, destroying a centuries old fresco in the process, and landed rather ungracefully, in Harry’s opinion, between them and the ancient chaos god.

“Shit,” Harry exclaimed and then made a hurried grab at Eggsy who’d bolted towards his wayward dragon.

“Puff, no!” Eggsy shouted, trying to wrestle out of Harry’s iron hold.

“Let me go, you fucking arsehole!”

Harry moved his head just in time to avoid a headbutt, and ignoring the hurled invectives, held on tighter.

They both stilled when they heard the familiar chirrup Puff made when he was curious about something.

Puff was crouched down and had extended his neck until it was inches away from the thing still trying to free itself.

“Puff, no! Get away from that!” Eggsy shouted and even Harry felt compelled to add in, “Puff, listen to your father.”

Like all children when told what to do, Puff ignored everyone and just leaned closer. They could hear him sniffing at the god creature thing before he swivelled his head and looked back at them.

Puff tilted his head and blinked big golden eyes guilelessly at them. He looked concerned about Eggsy, who was wriggling like an eel in Harry’s hold and reaching forward trying to touch his dragon, but other than the cooing sound that Harry was beginning to recognise Puff only made when he saw Eggsy, he didn’t come closer.

The thing that was supposed to be an ancient chaos god was mewling now, a sound that made Harry’s hair stand on end and his skin feel like it wanted to shrivel and die. Harry he wasn’t sure since every time he tried to look at it, his gaze seemed to shift like he was seeing double, but it did appear that Eggsy had been correct and the thing was getting bigger. He thought it had been about the as large as a small melon when it first appeared and now looked about the same size as Mr Pickle had been.

Harry was trying to decide whether he should admit defeat and take Merlin off mute when Puff seemed to reach a decision. The small dragon looked quickly back at where Eggsy and Harry were standing, Harry’s arms still wrapped around Eggsy’s waist in a frozen tableau, chirruped happily at them before he turned back. With an audible snap, Puff grabbed the thing’s head, crunched once and then with one quick toss of his head, swallowed the ancient chaos god with a loud slurp.

A long red tongue flicked out seemingly in satisfaction to lick scaled lips.

“Well that’s one way to deal with it,” Harry said as he dropped his arms and Eggsy ran to his dragon, dropping to his knees without hesitation and wrapping his arms around the scaly hide.

“That was a stupid, dangerous thing to do, Puff,” Eggsy scolded the not-at-all repentant dragon in his arms. “But so brave and clever! Good boy. Don’t do it again or I’ll be very cross with you.”

Harry couldn’t tell if he was scolding or congratulating the dragon.

Puff didn’t seem to care either way, revelling in the attention. He had curled his long tail and neck around Eggsy and had also unfurled and wrapped large wings around the boy until all Harry could see of Eggsy was a mop of blonde hair.

“Well, then.” Harry tapped his glasses to turn them on again and was nearly deafened by Merlin’s panicked and very angry shouting.

 

 


	8. Wingless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy's winged shoes have an 'accident'.
> 
> Prompt: “I’m guessing we shouldn’t have done that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Puff isn't mentioned, but this can be considered to be in the same universe.

_“I’m guessing we shouldn’t have done that,”_ Merlin said as they both looked at the still smoking remains of their experiment.

"Eggsy is going to kill you."

"Me? You're as much involved in this as I am, Hart," Merlin protested.

Harry smiled smugly. "He likes me better."

"You made him believe you were dead for six months. I, on the other hand, was there for him when we battled Valentine. Bonds forged in fire are stronger than anything, Harry. You of all people should be aware of that." Merlin used a pen to poke one of the wings.

Harry rolled his eyes at Merlin’s sermonising and then hummed contemplatively. "We could tell him it was an accident?" He suggested.

"Do you even hear the words coming out of your mouth, you berk? An accident? You mean tell him we _accidentally_ sliced the wings off his shoes?"

"You're the one who said it was safe," Harry grumbled. He carefully picked one of the shoes up, heroically ignoring the smell of burnt leather and rubber, and tried to reattach one of the wings by jamming them together. As soon as he took his hands away, it fell off.

"I said it was a _prototype_ , Harry. You're the one who suggested I test the _prototype_ laser cutter on Eggsy's shoes."

Harry gave up and placed the shoe back on the table, respectfully laying the wing next to it. "Yes, yes, well that may have been a miscalculation."

Merlin carefully turned the laser cutter over in his hand, privately admiring the way his department had made it look like a sonic screwdriver. "You have to admit it worked very well."

"You could say that if by worked very well you mean turning it off, turns it on instead," Harry said pointedly.

"That could be a problem," Merlin admitted.

Both of them fell silent again as they looked at Eggsy's shoes, the wings sitting sadly next to them.

Harry tipped his head to the side, as if by doing that could change what he was looking at. "You do have to admit this is a better look for them."

"I can't argue with you there. Those are the most atrocious things I've ever seen."

"Maybe he won't notice," Harry said hopefully.

Merlin just looked at Harry.

Harry grimaced and nodded his agreement. "Right. We could buy him a new pair," he paused and pulled a face, "a more tasteful pair."

"There are tasteful trainers with wings on them?"

Harry nodded gravely. "You have a point."

The door to the lab swung open and they both jumped and turned, quickly positioning themselves to block the table. Merlin took the opportunity presented to him and shoved the laser cutter into Harry's hands.

"Hey, Haz, Merls, what're you two doi- are those my trainers??" Eggsy's voice went up admirably at the end and both men winced.

"Eggsy, we can explain-" Harry started.

"Actually, Harry can explain, Eggsy. I've just remembered that I'm supposed to be supervising something." Merlin clapped Eggsy commiseratingly on the shoulder and then made what he considered to be a very dignified, but fast, exit leaving Harry to his fate without a second thought.

"Merlin, you traitor!" Harry shouted even as he tried to smile reassuringly at his very angry protégé.

"Bonds forged in fire, Harry! We'll be closer than brothers after this!"


	9. Puppy Pile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Puppy Pile
> 
> (Not really part of the Puff the Dragon universe)

Merlin checked the autopilot settings again before leaning back in his seat and sighing. He took off his glasses and rubbed sore eyes with hands he refused to admit were shaking. The adrenaline from being nearly blown up had long since worn off and Merlin was exhausted.

At least they hadn’t had to deal with releasing and organising the prisoners. Once he’d been able to get in touch with his MI6 counterpart and verify their status, he’d happily dropped that whole mess in that organisation’s lap. Kingsman had done their part and now it was time for them to fade quietly into the background again.

He got up with a weary sigh and winced when the muscles in his back protested the abrupt motion.  He wasn’t even sure what time it was anymore, but it felt late to him. They still had a long flight before they reached England and with the plane safely set on autopilot, Merlin knew he could take a quick break now.

He made his way to the back of the plane and stopped with a muffled snort at the sight which greeted him.

The newly appointed Lancelot and Eggsy were lying curled together on the sofa in what Merlin could only call a puppy pile. It looked like they’d not bothered getting cleaned up and had fallen asleep where they’d sat down. Eggsy looked supremely uncomfortable in his bloodied and torn suit, bruises and cuts littering his sleeping face with Lancelot still in her flight suit curled protectively around him.

Eggsy who had surprised him when he’d showed up at the plane with a bottle of champagne and three glasses clutched triumphantly in his battered hands when Merlin had left him with Princess Tilde in her cell. When Merlin had asked about the princess, Eggsy had shrugged and mumbled something about getting a kiss and wanting to celebrate with his mates instead. Merlin had quietly dropped the subject.

With a fond shake of his head, Merlin quietly searched out a blanket. Shaking one out, he carefully draped it over the pair and wasn’t surprised when neither of them so much had twitched. If _he_ was exhausted, he didn’t know how the two of them must feel.

The two had done him and Kingsman proud today.

Finding his own seat, Merlin set his personal alarm and made himself comfortable. He fell asleep to the sounds of twin snores from the pair across from him. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Why are you sleeping on our doormat?"

_“Eggsy? Why are you sleeping on our doormat?”_

When that didn’t get a reply, Harry used the tip of his umbrella to poke the form curled up on the front doormat. That garnered him a small moan and an uncoordinated swipe from a small hand.

“Eggsy. Eggsy! Why didn’t you use your keys?”

He leaned closer and then reeled away when the smell hit him.

“Good god. You stink! Are you drunk?”

When Eggsy just grumbled at him and curled up into a tighter ball, Harry sighed.

“Right, then. Up you get,” Harry said and trying not to breathe in too much, he slid his hands under Eggsy’s limp form and carefully hoisted him up. Harry didn’t know if it was because he was too drunk or if his alcohol soaked mind recognised Harry’s touch, but he didn’t struggle which made it much easier for Harry to manoeuvre him into a fireman’s carry.

Harry hooked his umbrella on Eggsy’s belt to free up a hand to open his front door and then proceeded to haul his barely conscious burden inside and straight upstairs to their bedroom.

“If you throw up on me, I swear I will assign you to Merlin’s department as their guinea pig for the next fortnight,” he warned as he tried not to jostle Eggsy around too much as he navigated the stairs.

He nudged the bedroom door open with his foot and although tempted to just drop the boy on the bed he didn’t. It had been a long day and Harry wasn’t at all keen on cleaning up vomit.

“Into bed with you, my dear.” He lowered Eggsy carefully onto the bed and gently removed his jacket, socks and shoes. Getting him out of his jeans was a bit harder but a drunk Eggsy was a very pliable Eggsy so with just a bit more effort, Harry had his boy down to his shorts. He shifted him so he was on his side before tucking him safely under the covers.

A quick trip to the bathroom and he returned with a bucket that went on the floor next to Eggsy’s head, a glass of water and some aspirin which he arranged on the bedside table and a wet towel that he used to wipe Eggsy’s face and hands down.

Eggsy smelt terrible, he had started making the strangest whistling sound as he slept and should have been anything but endearing, but Harry couldn’t help the swell of fondness he felt as he watched Eggsy curl up, his small hands tucked up under his chin.

“What you to do me, Eggsy Unwin.”

He dropped a kiss on Eggsy’s forehead and ran his hand through his hair one last time before he got up and headed back downstairs. Unlike some people, Harry still had work to do. But one part of him felt settled knowing that his heart was safely tucked away in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orignally posted on [tumblr](https://moopyloopy.tumblr.com/post/148736798444/kingsman-hartwin-ficlet).


	11. A Nice Handful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: instant breasts

Harry walked into Merlin’s inner office already mid-sentence when he came to an abrupt halt.

He stood there speechless for nearly a full minute, taking in the "Eggsy,” he said carefully, “why exactly do you have breasts?"

"Merlin gave them to me," Eggsy said as he looked down at himself admiringly. "Don't they look great?" He asked running his hands down his sides and then bringing them back up and cupping what Harry had to admit were a pair of very lovely looking breasts before Eggsy’s words registered and he forcibly tore his eyes away.

"Merlin gave them to you," he repeated, carefully not looking at how Eggsy appeared to be offering his impossible breasts for Harry’s perusal.

"Yep,” Eggsy said popping the p. “He's the guv'nor, he is," he continued as he happily and rather inappropriately considering Harry was standing right there, explored his new appendages. "He had some injection thingy. He stuck it in me and tada, instant breasts."

"Instant breasts," Harry repeated faintly.

“Didn’t work the first time,” Eggsy continued thoughtfully. “Well, not properly, if you know what I mean.”

Harry blinked at him.

“No, Eggsy. I find that I do not know what you mean. Would you care to elaborate please?” Harry said as calmly as he could, resisting the urge to rub the blossoming headache in his temples.

Eggsy pulled a face. “Well, I got boobs, but they sort of came out to here,” he pulled his hands away from where they had still be exploring himself and thrust them about two feet away from his body.

Harry’s mind boggled.

He must have pulled a face of some sort because Eggsy nodded in understanding.

“I know, right!” He exclaimed. “I had the worst back ache.” He shook his head. “I’ll never make fun of girls complaining that their boobs are too big again. Merlin agreed that they definitely didn’t work with my build so he gave me these girls,” he jiggled his breasts in a rather distracting manner.

“I’m a B cup,” he continued before tilting his head to the side in consideration as he weighed his new breasts in his hands and hummed. “Maybe a C cup at most.”

“C cup,” Harry echoed feeling like he’d entered the twilight zone.

“Yeah, I mean, I’d need more support, Rox suggested sports bras, and fuck, Harry, did you know bras are the invention of the devil, I mean they fucking hurt even with these perfect girls. But Merlin said he could come up with something comfortable that would stop the girls from bouncing everywhere even if I went up a cup size like he’d done for Rox-“

Eggsy’s rambling became background noise for Harry as he absently watched Eggsy’s fingers knead and plump his breasts. The movements were rather compelling.

Harry agreed with Eggsy. They did look great and the size suited him perfectly.

It was that thought that shook him out of his daze and got him moving. With perfect politeness, he interrupted Eggsy and excused himself before making a swift exit.

He might be Arthur and as such should conceivably be acquainted with every invention Merlin’s labs came up with, but this was maybe one invention that he did not want to know the details about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my [tumblr](https://moopyloopy.tumblr.com/post/164099550429/i-saw-the-words-instant-breasts-and-this).


	12. And Baby Makes Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “Pregnancy suits you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of the last chapter where I had Merlin giving Eggsy breasts. 
> 
> This time, Merlin gives Eggsy something else.

It took a lot to throw Harry off his stride so when he walked into Merlin’s office and was confronted by a very pregnant Eggsy, he didn’t physically perform a double take though his train of thought was definitely derailed. With what he thought was commendable composure he continued calmly past his protégé and made a beeline straight for Merlin’s coffee pot.

He used the time it took to pour out the delicious smelling liquid to consider the situation as rationally as he could.

Face as blank as he could make it, he turned, took a sip of his coffee and looked Eggsy up and down. _“Pregnancy suits you…”_ he said with a completely straight face.

Eggsy threw him a dirty look.

“Shut up,” he grumbled. It was pretty obvious to Harry that Eggsy would have loved to say more if he didn’t already look dead on his feet. He waddled over to Merlin’s couch and with a huge huff, very ungracefully flopped down.

“You look almost ready to pop,” Harry couldn’t resist adding as he took another sip of Merlin’s very expensive and very tasty coffee.

“Just don’t, Harry,” Eggsy all but whined. The look he gave Harry was pitiful enough that Harry gave in and stopped his teasing.

He leaned a hip against the desk, being very careful not to touch any of the bits and pieces scattered across it and eyed Eggsy’s prone form.

“Dare I ask?”

“Merlin,” was the grumpy reply.

“Ah, yes.” Harry nodded as if he understood and in a strange way he did. Everyone who knew them always blamed Harry when something crazy happened when in actual fact it was Merlin who was the source of a lot of the more hair brained schemes in Kingsman. When he got an idea into his shiny bald head, the Scotsman was an unstoppable force until his idea either reached completion or blew up in everyone’s faces.

Harry winced and surreptitiously touched the back of his head remembering the time when Merlin’s idea for a bowler hat that shot lasers had instead not only nearly shaved Harry bald but also scalped him at the same time.

He drained the last of his coffee and contemplated whether it would be wise to risk Merlin wrath by pouring himself another cup when the man himself showed up.

“Ah, there you are,” Merlin said to Eggsy as he bustled in with his ever present clipboard and a measuring tape dangling from one hand.

“Of course I’m here. Where else would I be, guv? You think I want to go anywhere looking like this?” Eggsy waved a hand over where his tracksuit was stretched tightly over his very prominent belly.

Merlin didn’t bother responding just waved his measuring tape at Eggsy. “Up you get and turn around. We need to get accurate measurements for this.”

“Merlin?” Harry asked as he watched Eggsy grumble his way upright. Harry was reminded of a nature program he’d been watching recently as Eggsy heaved and huffed himself onto two feet. It was a bit like watching an elephant walrus flopping around on dry land.

“Ah, Harry. I didn’t see you there,” Merlin said as he whipped the tape around Eggsy, clucking under his breath and making notes on his board every so often.

“Merlin,” Harry tried again. “What exactly am I seeing here?” He asked carefully.

Merlin didn’t even look at him, too busy manhandling Eggsy. He tutted when whatever he saw apparently wasn’t to his liking and repositioned Eggsy’s arms until he was humming happily.

Harry rolled his eyes. Merlin in crazy scientist experiment mode always seemed to have selective hearing as well.

“Merlin,” Harry repeated louder. He pursed his lips and shrugged when Merlin continued to ignore him. “Well, if you’re going to be that way,” he said and hovered his coffee cup over what looked like a pile of computer guts to him, but was probably some very sensitive and highly advanced invention.

“Do that and I will kill you slowly,” Merlin growled at him without looking away from Eggsy.

“Make me,” Harry said and smirked when Merlin glared at him. Long exposure had made him immune to what everyone else at Kingsman called the Death Stare. As slowly as he could, he moved the cup away.

“Now that I have your attention, should I be asking your intentions, my dear chap?” He asked pointedly.

Merlin looked at him blankly. Beside him Eggsy looked torn between protesting and giggling uncontrollably.

Harry pointed at Eggsy’s stomach and raised an eyebrow.

Merlin looked horrified when understanding finally dawned.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Harry,” he said gruffly. “What kind of question is that.” The look of insulted reproach Merlin gave him made Harry’s mouth twitch.

“What other conclusion am I supposed to reach, Merlin?” Harry asked mildly.

At this point, Eggsy gave up and started giggling, his stomach jiggling with his movements. Harry was amused at first then became increasingly concerned when Eggsy didn’t stop and it looked like he was going to topple over.

Harry took a step forward, hands held out as Eggsy teetered. “Shouldn’t he be sitting down,” he asked Merlin worriedly. “Surely that’s not good for the baby.”

Merlin let out a back of shocked laughter at that and then to Harry’s horror, used his clipboard to poke Eggsy’s stomach hard. It rippled strangely and even as unaccustomed to pregnant people as Harry was, he knew pregnant stomachs should not move like that.

“What the hell is going on here?” He demanded.

Eggsy let out a peal of laughter at that, snorting and hiccupping as he finally gave in and ungracefully collapsed on the floor. Harry and Merlin both watched with similar looks of revolted fascination as Eggsy laughed himself into a shuddering ungainly heap on the floor, tears running down his face.

“You didn’t really think he was pregnant did you?” Merlin asked him. “I’m good, but I’m not that good, Harry,” Merlin said, amusement thick in his voice.

Harry threw his hands in the air, secretly relieved that his mug was empty. “You gave him bloody breasts not two months ago,” he said accusingly. “How am I not to assume that you got him pregnant as well?”

“You know what they said about making assumptions, Harry,” Merlin said with a smirk. Harry wanted to throw his mug in that smug face.

In lieu of saying anything else and giving Merlin even more ammunition against him, Harry just crossed his arms and pointedly stared at the other man with a raised eyebrow.

He could see Merlin warring with himself about making another joke at Harry’s expense before he capitulated. Then again, Harry knew Merlin loved to natter on about his inventions so it wasn’t a surprise.

“It’s a new invention,” Merlin said. “You’ve seen those pregnancy bodysuits?”

Harry nodded. He had and they looked like extremely uncomfortable and ungainly things.

“Well, it’s something like that. I’ve modified it of course so it’s not an entire suit. It adheres to the chest and stomach area so there’s less chance of overheating. The weight is correct too but I’m thinking we might change that as we don’t want the wearer tiring out too fast.”

Harry was now officially confused. “Why do we need this,” he waved his hands vaguely in Eggsy’s direction, “whatever you’re calling it?”

“I haven’t come up with an appropriate name yet. And it’s in case a pregnant agent is needed in future,” Merlin said simply. “We don’t want to send an actual pregnant agent out into a potentially dangerous situation thus...” he mimicked Harry’s hand waving.

“Additionally, I’m considering a compartment in the actual belly area. Either to store weapons or hide something that the agent has been sent to obtain. It would have to be shielded though,” Merlin hummed as he started considering the options.

Harry was still confused. “As interesting as all this is, I really don’t think there’s much call for pregnant men on any of our missions, Merlin.”

Merlin let out an exaggerated sigh and gave him what Harry felt was an unfairly judging stare. “I cannot believe that you’re supposed to be our most successful Kingsman agent,” he said.

“A pregnant _female_ agent, Harry,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Your boy Eggsy here was the only agent man enough to volunteer seeing as how our only female agent is currently in medical with a broken foot.”

“Rox volunteered, but Merls here,” Eggsy nodded at an irate looking Merlin and Harry absolutely did not smirk at hearing Merlin being called such a ridiculous name, “said no ‘cause he needed someone who was ambulatory.” He said that last word with an atrocious Scottish accent and Harry couldn’t help his own smile at the cheeky grin the boy shot at a thunderously scowling Merlin.

“Since Rox ain’t gonna be doing much more than hopping around for the next few months, I thought I’d give it a go,” Eggsy continued. He was still sprawled on the ground, his hands absently kneading the small of his back. “Now, I know what to expect if Dais ever gets pregnant.” His brows came down here. “Sometime in the very far future when she’s in her forties maybe.”

“Alright. Enough time wasting,” Merlin interrupted with a huff. “Up you get, lad. Is it hurting your back?” He asked with a narrow stare when Eggsy winced.

Eggsy nodded. “I’m never gonna laugh when pregnant women complain about backache again,” he said with another wince.

Somehow Eggsy managed to manoeuvre himself upright accompanied by a lot of moaning and groaning and Harry was once again reminded of the nature documentary he’d watched. The sounds Eggsy was making were very reminiscent of the sounds elephant walruses made.

It took a helping hand from Merlin before Eggsy was upright and then without so much as a by your leave, Merlin had pushed Eggsy’s shirt up and his trackpants down, ignoring Eggsy’s protests and attempts to bat him away. He had his hands all over Eggsy’s stomach and back in what Harry privately thought looked like a rather invasive check as he prodded, poked and pushed, all the while shooting rapid fire questions that Eggsy was trying valiantly to answer as quickly as they were snapped out.

Harry watched for a few minutes before deciding he was superfluous to the situation. Also, it was very disturbing watching his very male protégé have his very pregnant stomach be fondled by a very excited Merlin.

“I’ll leave you two and your love child to get better acquainted then,” Harry said and ignoring the spluttering protests from both Eggsy and Merlin, sailed out of the room coffee cup still firmly in hand, pleased that for once he had managed to get the last word in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t ask me where these come from. I see prompt list posts and weird things get written.
> 
> Sorry, not sorry. :)


End file.
